Matchmakers
by InterfaceLeader
Summary: The Turks get given one of their strangest missions - and succeed in doing the impossible.


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Matchmakers

By InterfaceLeader

* * * * * 

"Oh dear Shiva! If I get out of this alive I swear I'll never be bad again! I won't yell at the garbage men when they make noise at five o clock on a Sunday morning! I'll give more money to charity! I'll do anything Shiva, but please, in the name of Holy, get me out of here alive!"

"……relax." Rude patted Elena on the arm. "I go through this all the time…. And I haven't died yet." 

"Ahhhhhhhh!" Elena clutched onto Rude's arm as the car screeched round a corner, the wing mirror clipping a mako streetlight and flying off into the air. 

"…… of course… " Rude added reluctantly "I have been_ nearly_ killed….. Seven times this year…."

"It's January!" screamed Elena. "Oh God I'm gonna die! The wall! The wall!"

The engine howled as the brakes were suddenly slammed on. The car screeched down the road leaving a burning trail of rubber behind it, wheels spun crazily as it twisted to the right, exhaust billowed everywhere as it slid sideways into the narrow parking space on the edge of the street and came to a quivering halt.

"There." Reno pulled the handbrake up. "Perfect parallel parking!"

There was a clunk as Elena yanked open the door and jumped out, still white with fear. "I'm alive, oh thank you thank you thank you - "

"Ya gotta be nice to the garbage men now." Reno said, smirking, as he got out from the drivers seat. "And you'd better think of some more ways to placate the Gods since I'm driving you home as well - "

"Oh no…You're never getting me into a car again!" Elena ran for the door that led into the Shinra HQ. "Ever!"

"Honestly, I don't know what she's so upset over." Reno slammed his door shut and started strolling towards the building. "It's not like I ever hit anything."

"……. just walls… cats… people…. Or you drive MY car off the edge of the plate…." Rude said, referring to an incident of some years back which he still hadn't forgiven Reno for. 

"How many times do I have to remind you I was _drunk_ that time I drove off the plate!"

"….. and the sad thing is…….. You think that's a legitimate excuse……" Rude swiped his key card through the slot and the elevator started it's long journey upwards.

"I still think she's over-reacting." Reno lit a cigarette, recalling with pleasure the icy secretary of Rufus's who had firmly told him to stop smoking in elevators as she was being forced to carry air freshener around with her as a result. 

"……. yes …… she's not yet been in a helicopter with you…… " Rude agreed.

"Oh you're over-reacting as well. Your legs healed didn't they?" Reno walked out of the elevator and crossed the hall to the Turks office, where Elena was already sat, reading a mission briefing with a strange expression.

"Yo, 'Lena, need help?" Reno stubbed out the cigarette and leaned over her shoulder. "That first word is 'the' by the way…. I can see you're having trouble with it."

"Ha ha." Elena pointed to the second paragraph. "Now try this and see what you think."

Reno took the brief from her hands and scanned it quickly. When he had finished he paused and re-read it. And then re-read it again.

"Hmm. Well it's…. different," he grinned. "Sounds like fun actually."

"I think it's perfectly dreadful." Elena said crossly. "Heidegger can't get away with this kind of behaviour!"

"……" Rude took the brief from Reno and read it through. It was fairly short, for a briefing.

__

Briefing: Turks

Dept. Head: Heidegger

The mission is simple; and I don't want any arguments about it. And no smart comments from Reno either.

The love of my life, Christina Harris, has been led astray by a man named Darren Exelby. In her sweet innocence she has been deceived by his lies and has agreed to marry him. The wedding is meant to happen four days from now. Your task is to see that it does not_ take place, and to bring Christina back to me so I can make her see sense. _

Keep it low key, I don't want Scarlet or Rufus knowing about this. Gya ha ha ha!

Heidegger

"………. gatecrash a wedding?" Rude looked at Reno.

"I can't believe he wants us to do that!" Elena said. "Destroying someone's love and happiness just because he's obsessed with her!"

"I can't believe he thinks Chrissie is sweet and innocent" Reno said, with an evil grin. "Because she sure knew a trick or two to keep _me_ entertained!"

"…… I can't believe he wrote 'gya ha ha ha'….." Rude said, studying the brief glumly.

"That reminds me…" Reno changed the subject abruptly. "The payroll people noticed we were charging for 'emotional trauma' every time Heidegger and Scarlet laughed, and they've struck it off our cheques…Don't know why, I sure get traumatised every time I hear that high pitched screech of Scarlet's…"

"….. how are we going to do this?" Rude returned to business. 

"Sew plastic explosive into the grooms suit," suggested Reno.

"Let him win a free holiday for one to Wutai for a year" countered Elena.

"…….Get Reeve to declare the reception office an unsafe building…." Rude said.

"Steal the wedding ring and hawk it for bonus money." Reno said, thinking of his debts.

"Steal her wedding dress." Elena said, her eyes lighting up at the thought of owning a bridal gown.

"…… accuse Darren of being a terrorist and hold him indefinitely for questioning…." Rude tried to ground the ideas in reality.

"Accuse Christina of being a terrorist and hold her for 'questioning'" Reno drooled at the memory of the woman.

"Oh don't be disgusting!" Elena snapped at Reno.

"Better idea than giving away expensive free holidays!" Reno retorted.

"There's nothing wrong with being nice to gain what we want once in a while!"

"We're not meant to be nice! Beware of the Turks, if you don't behave they'll give you an all expenses paid trip to the pleasure spot of your choice just doesn't work as a good deterrent!"

"And what you were planning to do to Christina was a good deterrent then?" Elena smiled innocently at Reno.

"Die bitch!"

* * * * * 

Darren drove his Shinra car through the streets of upper plate Midgar carefully. In the back seat sat a crate of some of the most expensive wine available, a massive bouquet of roses, and a silver wrapped box tied with a blue ribbon. Attached to the box was a gift tag with a message written in beautiful cursive handwriting: _To Christina, the woman who made all my dreams come true, filled my life with joy, and showed me what real love is. _

He smiled thinking of her delicate pearly skin, soft golden curls, curving pink lips - and a man ran out onto the road in front of him.

He slammed his brakes on, and the car coasted to a halt, bumping into the man and causing him to collapse to the ground. 

"Oh Holy!" Darren jumped out of his Shinra car, running round to the man and bent over him, apologising profusely. "I'm so sorry, I didn't see you! Are you alright?"

The man groaned, clutching his side. "That hurt… help me sit up will you?"

Darren helped the man up, still apologising. "Should I call Shinra Emergency Services? I have a First Aid box in the back of my car, do you want me to get it?"

"No no. I'll be fine. Just need a moment to get my breath back…" The man breathed heavily. "My fault entirely, should have looked both ways…"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine now." The man climbed to his feet. "Don't let me keep you. Have a nice night." 

Darren blinked as the man walked off, and then shrugged and got back into his car. He drove off, peering carefully into every shadow as he went.

The man he had hit, meanwhile, walked down a street to where three figures were waiting. 

"Star man!" Reno gave him the thumbs up. "Couldn't have acted it better myself!"

"…." Rude threw a potion over him and handed back the Shinra Guard uniform. "…. well distracted…."

Elena was opening the silver wrapped box, her curiosity overcoming her. Untying the ribbon she took off the lid and shook out a length of glimmering deep blue material. Her eyes widened.

"A Cutchi original… This is beautiful…" she said, awed.

"Keep it" Reno said generously. "It doesn't match my wardrobe, and I don't think it'll fit Rude…"

Elena held the dress up to herself, starry eyed. "Look at the colour! The cut off the skirt! The way the sleeves drape!"

"You look like two million Gil babe." Reno popped a cork out of a wine bottle and took a swig. "Oh wow…. My evening just got booked solid. This stuff is awesome!"

"….. " Rude looked down at the roses he was holding and wondered what he was going to do with them. 

The Shinra Guard fastened his helmet. He had no idea what was going on, but one did not pry into the affairs of Turks with impunity. Saluting them all, he hastily left the scene.

"Did you replace it all okay?" Elena looked up from the dress, her thoughts returning to the job at hand.

"Sure" Reno said cheerfully. "The dress got switched with a nice bin bag with holes cut into it for the arms and head, while the label now reads: _Dear stinkpot's, at least when you wear this nobody else will look at you, you cheating scumbag._ The roses are now cheapo plastic ones, with a nest of spiders leaving in them and stinking of cheap perfume. And the wine bottles were filled with stuff out my septic tank. This engagement is gonna go down in flames!"

"I still think it was a stupid idea" Elena hugged the dress to her protectively. "Even if she does leave him, how are we gonna get her back to Heidegger without making Scarlet suspicious? We can't just kidnap her…"

"Hmmm." Reno took another swig from the wine bottle. "The best thing would be to make her go back to him voluntarily…"

"Nobody would go back to Heidegger voluntarily." Elena thought of the short, fat sweaty man with the harsh voice and annoying laugh. And if someone could overlook all that, there was still the fact he was a domineering bully with no friends, saw any conversation as a chance to bore the other person half to death with his reminisces of the war, and had a sensitivity rating of zero.

"He's rich ain't he?" Reno calmly dismissed all that. "We just need to … help him out a bit."

"Help him out? How?"

Reno thought for a moment and then grinned. "Like this…."

* * * * *

Late that night Heidegger opened the door to his enormous house with a heavy heart. The opulent interior, electronic maps, Wutaian war spoils and massive display case filled with medals couldn't bring a smile to his face. He trudged up the stairs, thinking sadly of the golden haired woman he loved. His bedroom was dark and he clicked on the light.

"Baby… you're finally home…" Christina stretched out a bare arm from beneath the covers. "Join me?" 

"Gya ha ha ha!"

* * * * *

"Well." Elena said. "I suppose it all sort of turned out okay…" she admired her reflection in the mirror, giving a little spin so the artfully arranged layers of silk flared out.

"Women." Reno said, now well into his fourth bottle of wine. "Are so fickle…. Thankfully."

"….." Rude carefully arranged the roses in a cut-glass vase he had bought on the way. "….. I had no idea you could be so romantic Reno…."

"I gotta admit, that letter was a masterpiece." Reno grinned. "Poor Heidegger, he's never gonna be able to live up to her expectations now."

"I like the phrase about giving her his heart on a silver platter." Elena said. "Very sweet."

"Personally I think it was the bit about buying her the Planet, stars and moon if she desired them that was the clincher."

"….." Rude thought of the final, poignant sentiments that had been his addition to the letter. That would have melted anybody's heart he was certain. And to think people accused him of being bad with words!

"Another good days work." Reno said, chucking the empty wine bottle in the general direction of the bin. "Let's go home."

"Good plan." Elena smoothed the dress and started walking towards the door, knowing she looked stunning.

Rude dropped the last rose into the vase and followed suit. The elevator took them down to the street level, and more than a few admiring heads were turned towards Elena as she walked through the lobby. 

"I love this dress" she said happily, as she climbed into the car. "Darren has real taste."

"You look great." Reno put the two remaining bottles of wine on the seat next to him and turned the ignition key. Elena suddenly blinked.

"Wait a minute - who said you were driviaaaaaaaaaAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

* * * * *

The End

A/N: Remember kids: don't drink and drive ^_~

A really hopeless excuse of a story for a chance to do lots and lots of one liner jokes. Hope you had fun reading it, I had fun writing it. Thinking up ways to wreck weddings is surprisingly addictive. 


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